im back in town after a sleepy weekend, thai chi = sore muscles, motherly love = weight gain, forrest, small town talking and two really good plays. One was directly speaking to me and my condition and one was really really good ... I HATE RASISM!
tisdag 25 oktober 2011
fredag 21 oktober 2011
Dead mooses and winter air.
Sweden is getting cold again. I always have a feeling that something is on its way to end or to die in autumm.... Darkness and dead leavs.
But i try to think of candles, making a fire in my mothers stove, christmas, snow scooters and all thats good.
My anxiety is alwasys on its top when things end. When its almost my turn in the line, when im almost at home on a crowded bus, at night when im going to bed.
Im eating anti depressiv medecine, i always thought of that as a "easy way" somthing you take when you cant handle thing by your self, afraid that it was going to change my personality.. But its a HELP, nothing for weak, nothing changes, it helps you feel better! So if your doubting think again! We are only human.
Now im going to a mansion to have lunch with my father.
XOXOXOXO
But i try to think of candles, making a fire in my mothers stove, christmas, snow scooters and all thats good.
My anxiety is alwasys on its top when things end. When its almost my turn in the line, when im almost at home on a crowded bus, at night when im going to bed.
Im eating anti depressiv medecine, i always thought of that as a "easy way" somthing you take when you cant handle thing by your self, afraid that it was going to change my personality.. But its a HELP, nothing for weak, nothing changes, it helps you feel better! So if your doubting think again! We are only human.
Now im going to a mansion to have lunch with my father.
XOXOXOXO
torsdag 20 oktober 2011
Shame on me...
Today im gonna try to forgive myself for trying to help little me but makes stupid decisions. Like smoking, being in bad relationships, i should have said stop and no sooo many times when i did not. In work in bed in life. I did it out of love for myself, trying to help me. To not make things worse...
Im going to north sweden today, walking in the forrest, picking Kantarell, looking at the dead elks that my father shot this week... eeehh.. nice...
Get in touch with your shame... you have to to be able to then forgive yourself.
Think of yourself as a little child, and dont be so hard.
onsdag 19 oktober 2011
Old lady friends and breathing
Todays tips.
Open your heart! Its hard and it hurts, you will get uncomfortable sometimes but most of the time you will see the world more beautiful and perfect just the was it is, and to do this you will have to....
Take a deep breath! I know its hard specially when you are alone, but try to force yourself to just focus on your breathing. Your mind will spin off and maybe you will feel your body hurting and tickle.But this is the meaning of it all!! To see what pain and stress and tension you have in your body.
For all swedish readers you have to see Anders o Harri. På Svt play. If your wondering about the meaning of life and wants a heart warming 14 minutes!
Now im gonna try to get a new old lady painter artist friend.. Maybe some cinnamon buns and coffee as well...!I love old people... they have been there done that, and the key is to not treat them as old people. Then you will get all the information you will need to live your life...!
Open your heart! Its hard and it hurts, you will get uncomfortable sometimes but most of the time you will see the world more beautiful and perfect just the was it is, and to do this you will have to....
Take a deep breath! I know its hard specially when you are alone, but try to force yourself to just focus on your breathing. Your mind will spin off and maybe you will feel your body hurting and tickle.But this is the meaning of it all!! To see what pain and stress and tension you have in your body.
For all swedish readers you have to see Anders o Harri. På Svt play. If your wondering about the meaning of life and wants a heart warming 14 minutes!
Now im gonna try to get a new old lady painter artist friend.. Maybe some cinnamon buns and coffee as well...!I love old people... they have been there done that, and the key is to not treat them as old people. Then you will get all the information you will need to live your life...!
tisdag 18 oktober 2011
vegetarians, lights and Gertrud Stein
2 important things about changing the world!
1. Get to know Gertrud Stein and all the rest of our history of cool, smart and fantastic women that has helped define our world, taste, thoughts etc. There are so many writers, artists, scientists that are not a part of our cultural history. They have been out written of history and forgotten. Books of them dont go to print in modern times and dramatic plays are not even published, even though they were played more than maybe strindberg during their time.
2. Eat less meat, i get so frightened about our way of treating animals. And just look at prices when we buy meet. I eat meet. But maybe once or twice per week. And i will spend the extra money to buy ecological swedish meet.
If the world feels dark and you feel alone?? Light a candle for yourself. It will help you.!!!
Im thinking of you all!
1. Get to know Gertrud Stein and all the rest of our history of cool, smart and fantastic women that has helped define our world, taste, thoughts etc. There are so many writers, artists, scientists that are not a part of our cultural history. They have been out written of history and forgotten. Books of them dont go to print in modern times and dramatic plays are not even published, even though they were played more than maybe strindberg during their time.
2. Eat less meat, i get so frightened about our way of treating animals. And just look at prices when we buy meet. I eat meet. But maybe once or twice per week. And i will spend the extra money to buy ecological swedish meet.
If the world feels dark and you feel alone?? Light a candle for yourself. It will help you.!!!
Im thinking of you all!
strangely beautiful with a midday snack
Met my therapist today.
Always like my weeks sunrise, i feel strong and like i CAN DO THIS! ...ehh.. life.. Do life?!
yesterday was a really shitty day, today its raining and the wind is strong, purge...
ive started a selfhelping program for my eating problems.. It also feels like a purge. We are so trained to think that a healthy, "normal" women body look kind of like this =
And this is simple... Everybody "knows" this is wrong. But im sorry we are just human. When we define the model of being human so many times over and over again, in the newspapers, on tv, in books etc... WE LEARN because we are SMART. So this is what we "want" to look like. Not to hate ourselves, because we love ourselfves. Not because we are stupid, easy to fool and brainwashed, because we are smart. Our reaction is a healthy reaction on a unhealthy society.
I can speak for myself and tell you all that if im so "healthy" that i look like that, i must hardcore train 3 times a week, then, walk everyday, jogging like 2 times per week. Not eat anything. And loose my period and my fertility and my vitamins, blood and minerals.
Always like my weeks sunrise, i feel strong and like i CAN DO THIS! ...ehh.. life.. Do life?!
yesterday was a really shitty day, today its raining and the wind is strong, purge...
ive started a selfhelping program for my eating problems.. It also feels like a purge. We are so trained to think that a healthy, "normal" women body look kind of like this =
 |
| Not reaaaallly skinny but.... |
 |
| ...super fresh... |
 |
| ..and slim.. |
I can speak for myself and tell you all that if im so "healthy" that i look like that, i must hardcore train 3 times a week, then, walk everyday, jogging like 2 times per week. Not eat anything. And loose my period and my fertility and my vitamins, blood and minerals.
måndag 17 oktober 2011
well shit
Dont want to thinkAbusing myself
tired and alone
BUT
among people...
sleep, read, try, help
think, take a chance
regret, hating myself
loving myself,
feelings and emptiness
knowing, finding,
....blur blur blur.....
up&downandup&downandup&down
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