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im back in town after a sleepy weekend, thai chi = sore muscles, motherly love = weight gain, forrest, small town talking and two really good plays. One was directly speaking to me and my condition and one was really really good ... I HATE RASISM!

Shame on me...

Today im gonna try to forgive myself for trying to help little me but makes stupid decisions. Like smoking, being in bad relationships, i should have said stop and no sooo many times when i did not. In work in bed in life. I did it out of love for myself, trying to help me. To not make things worse...

Im going to north sweden today, walking in the forrest, picking Kantarell, looking at the dead elks that my father shot this week... eeehh.. nice...

Get in touch with your shame... you have to to be able to then forgive yourself.

Think of yourself as a little child, and dont be so hard.

strangely beautiful with a midday snack

Met my therapist today.
Always like my weeks sunrise, i feel strong and like i CAN DO THIS! ...ehh.. life.. Do life?!
yesterday was a really shitty day, today its raining and the wind is strong, purge...
ive started a selfhelping program for my eating problems.. It also feels like a purge. We are so trained to think that a healthy, "normal" women body look kind of like this =

Not reaaaallly skinny but....

...super fresh...

..and slim..

And this is simple... Everybody "knows" this is wrong. But im sorry we are just human. When we define the model of being human so many times over and over again, in the newspapers, on tv, in books etc... WE LEARN because we are SMART. So this is what we "want" to look like. Not to hate ourselves, because we love ourselfves. Not because we are stupid, easy to fool and brainwashed, because we are smart. Our reaction is a healthy reaction on a unhealthy  society.


I can speak for myself and tell you all that if im so "healthy" that i look like that, i must hardcore train 3 times a week, then, walk everyday, jogging like 2 times per week. Not eat anything. And loose my period and my fertility and my vitamins, blood and minerals.

who brings the sun out?

The sun is shining
I woke up at my ex house went to have breakfast alone at a cafe, went to "church". Its a special liberate church were there is more lectures than a sermon. And the topic for today was courage. It was really inspiring!!  A young successful girl with several companies and projects who is convinced to change the world into a better place. About that we must be afraid to be able to be brave and that no one is afraid of the same things, my scariest thoughts and action is unique for me, which makes our bravery unique.
Its is YOUR specific choice if you want to be brave. Perhaps you will be a hero and perhaps noone will notice..
I took a walk with my best friend, went to my house and went to bed for a nap, now im gonna gå to my gym to practice my BODYBALANCE Its my new drug, makes me high, a combination of plates, yoga and thai chi.

Have a thoughtful sunday!!!

Pling!

I just realized something about myself.
Im putting down so much thought and love on people and missions that does not love me the same way back!
I compared my life to my friends yesterday, they do their laundry, go to work, cook good food for each other, sleep, clean their apartment, buying flowers to make their self happy. 
While i: Think of death, never cook good food just for me, clean when others is coming to visit, thinking about how to climb mountains in my career, how to be a great painter, my closest love relation is with my ex. and we dont love each other that way im spending my time trying to figure it all out and banging our relationship against the wall. (this sounds awful)The things i already have and people whom i already love and loves me back i take for granted, and always chasing something else, something more, never happy with what i got.....


LÄNGTANS TRÅDAR SNÄRJER OSS SOM VILL MER.....


The threads of longing ensnares us who want more...


when longing gets to strong we call it anxiety.

Brave, Danish and beautiful!

Brave things today!
 1. I was good and present at my meeting.
2. I spoke danish (!?!) haha! Takes confidence to even try!
3. I took a walk were i always used to go with my beautiful dog.

Good things:

..prince charming

..time..

Maybe this..

I bought 2 new dresses and one poncho as a surprise present for myself! (i was really surprised)
I trained yoga in my living room.





Tonight im going to see friends and tomorrow my best friend is coming to town!

You see? I can live... I just have to remember the beautiful struggle with this illness and with life! Even though the world lost two great souls this week IM STILL HERE.

 If you feel like sleeping and weeping, go to nature, take a walk in the forrest, listen to your best songs and try to relax your jaws. I promise it WILL help!!

rip

Rest in peace my beautiful little dog.. I love you so! I all ready miss you. Say hello to God and everyone i know. You opened my heart and i will always remember you!!!

Its not him.. but looks like

fighting my battle

 im praying for a miracle today!!!!!

Ive been sleeping since six last night, woke up in the middle of the night looked at the last episode of Riget (the kingdom) fell asleep again, woke up, feeling nausea, anxiety and the feeling of pointlessness pile up.

I told the little dog yesterday to say hello to everybody i know up there, to give them a big kiss.

To much death right now..

never fall in love again..

soon my day dog comes, maybe for the very last time before the eternal sleep...
how can you say goodbye??? Or should i just see it as a normal day, and ill see you tomorrow? How do you handle death...  (Theres too much of handling it right now......)

I will show you my paintings from last night later...maybe...

Believe in miracles see the signs!

Oh! THANK YOU!!!!!!


im sitting at home looking at my ugly paintings, no energy, feeling that the pointless state of mind is gathering like a dark cloud taking over me... feeling that today has ben a waste.
I so out for (another) smoke.
And just around the corner i see a light in a galley thats always closed. I look at the paintings, they are nice. And out comes a little old lady angel, with white emancipated 40ies hairdo, with a trench coat   and a red basque hat.
"are you looking at my paintings?"...
"yes... i woke up this morning thinking that i would become a painter artist, but now i dont know".
"off course you should!! Im going home now, but you are so welcome any day to visit me and we can talk and you can watch me work."

Just like that!!! Isnt life amazing sometimes!?