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im back in town after a sleepy weekend, thai chi = sore muscles, motherly love = weight gain, forrest, small town talking and two really good plays. One was directly speaking to me and my condition and one was really really good ... I HATE RASISM!

vegetarians, lights and Gertrud Stein

2 important things about changing the world!

1. Get to know Gertrud Stein and all the rest of our history of cool, smart and fantastic women that has helped define our world, taste, thoughts etc. There are so many writers, artists, scientists that are not a part of our cultural history. They have been out written of history and forgotten. Books of them dont  go to print in modern times and dramatic plays are not even published, even though they were played more than maybe strindberg during their time.

2. Eat less meat, i get so frightened about our way of treating animals. And just look at prices when we buy meet. I eat meet. But maybe once or twice per week. And i will spend the extra money to buy ecological swedish meet.


If the world feels dark and you feel alone?? Light a candle for yourself. It will help you.!!!
Im thinking of you all!

Hello Robyn why not?

The sun is shining, water is glittering and the leaves are bursting in colours.
And i just met Robyn on the street!
I almost never get starstruck but deaammm shes cool and good looking!
Im filled with inspiration and fighting spirit!
After rain comes sunshine.
I think ive decided to buy a little dog! Why not?

the sun is rising...

time for a new day..! Life is so short and life so fragile. I want to be healthy, have energy and bla bla..
Today i have a busy day.. One meeting for future jobs, and one meeting at my old job. Time to handle the world and not to lock myself in. I told you before that this week my goal were to be brave. I felt like i didnt succeed instantly.. But then again.. What is more brave than facing death two times in one week?
Im gonna take care of my life today!!

Believe in miracles see the signs!

Oh! THANK YOU!!!!!!


im sitting at home looking at my ugly paintings, no energy, feeling that the pointless state of mind is gathering like a dark cloud taking over me... feeling that today has ben a waste.
I so out for (another) smoke.
And just around the corner i see a light in a galley thats always closed. I look at the paintings, they are nice. And out comes a little old lady angel, with white emancipated 40ies hairdo, with a trench coat   and a red basque hat.
"are you looking at my paintings?"...
"yes... i woke up this morning thinking that i would become a painter artist, but now i dont know".
"off course you should!! Im going home now, but you are so welcome any day to visit me and we can talk and you can watch me work."

Just like that!!! Isnt life amazing sometimes!?

im thinking and thinking...

about everything and anything...

About having children, for the first time in my life i feel like having children... i always had a terrible frightening feeling when i thought about someone living in my stomach... eating, moving, living, depending on me... Maybe thats the big fright, could a baby trust me?? could i be there for my children.
But now i feel soft when i think about the little things...

About death... cant figure anything out there...

About what im gonna do with all the apple pie thats left...

About my challenge for this week, life is so short.. I want to be BRAVE! Im gonna try to do stuff that i dont really dare... for example sent emails to people i admire, meeting friends, booking meeting... etc. To let the world know WHAT   I   WANT!!!

The big threat - heaven or hell

wanna have good time..?call the PARTY machine!! HAha!!
I lasted all night long yesterday. Im surprised and happy about that! And i could relax and actually listen and talk to many of my friends!


Today im feeling kind of bruised but thats ok.. 


I wonder if everything im touching touch turns to ash and dies. Do i have a spell on me?
My day dog maybe dying soon
and i told you about this meeting i had about future job, we were supposed to work most parts of the year. He has past away!!!!!!
I talked to him on the phone just the other day, and now his gone......


I wish i could live forever. 

                                                             ......MELANCHOLY....




I watched a movie the other day. The kids are all right.. a good one. It SURPRISED me. 
Specially when im thinking really much right now about how our childhood really shapes us and thats were we early develop our life strategy= Our way of seeing problems and handling them. how we avoid fear and makes our self count. What the BIG threat is.
It takes very much of soul searching to find it.. But when it becomes clear to you, you will find that everything comes around just the way its supposed to. A big sigh of relief! 


Then maybe you have to change and thats really hard in another way.. But its you life. And this is my life...

Have a great sunday! 

Dear Liza

Im going to the market to buy some apples
And bake me and my friends an apple pie
Life is full of surprises!


(By the way, my one true love: My day dog.. Has probably a brain tumor)

Here i come again.. just when im about to get my life together

Im having a small party tomorrow... Jissess...Today i was running around buying stuff, getting flowers.. wonder if someone is allergic.. will this be enough.. wonder what to wear.. wonder if i can do this..what if i get tired.. or start crying.. wonder if people likes cherries.. AAAHHH!!!


My patterns is so clear.. all tryin to be perfect n all.... worrying, thinking about others.. 

My head is spinning and body is still a little bit sick.







Now my father and elder sister will come (i booked a table at a restaurant and checked the prices and menu, and thought about how we should walk the by the see to get there... can i just give it a break!!!)....oooooohhhh.... take a deap breath, dont try to save the,.. dont take care of them.. just relax.....

living THE dream

Im dreaming so much.. Last night i dreamt a love dream about my therapist... (!!!!!)
I felt disgusted all day. It was not a sexual dream but a love dream. But still..
I googled on it. And phew! Everything has got a name.. In swedish känslomässig överföring el motöverföring... In english maybe. Emotional transfer or countertransference. (Google again. translator..)
This is really normal ( Phew! again im NORMAL.. hehe?!). And when i think about it it makes sense , off course the body doesnt know that youre paying for this.. The body just meets a person who makes you understand yourself, feel better about yourself and softens your inside.
Some people really falls in love whit them or reacting with anger and hate..

Feels sad and comforting at the same time that you can read your thoughts and behaviors, Makes me feel small and biological. But its a real comfort to know that youre not alone. I see it like the thoughts i can read about is my illness.. and a strategy i have for comforting myself. (often this illness strategies makes you sicker in longterm)  And that i want to break free. Who am i when my whole personality can be read about in a selfhelp book?.. but.. Se it like a gift that youre getting the opportunity to really find out who you are, and to live the rest of your loong life with yourselves.