Dead mooses and winter air.

Sweden is getting cold again. I always have a feeling that something is on its way to end or to die in autumm.... Darkness and dead leavs.
But i try to think of candles, making a fire in my mothers stove, christmas, snow scooters and all thats good.
My anxiety is alwasys on its top when things end. When its almost my turn in the line, when im almost at home on a crowded bus, at night when im going to bed.
Im eating anti depressiv medecine, i always thought of that as a "easy way" somthing you take when you cant handle thing by your self, afraid that it was going to change my personality.. But its a HELP, nothing for weak, nothing changes, it helps you feel better! So if your doubting think again! We are only human.
Now im going to a mansion to have lunch with my father.
XOXOXOXO

well shit

Dont want to think
Abusing myself
tired and alone
      BUT
among people...
sleep, read, try, help
think, take a chance
regret, hating myself
loving myself,
feelings and emptiness
knowing, finding,
....blur blur blur.....
up&downandup&downandup&down

rip

Rest in peace my beautiful little dog.. I love you so! I all ready miss you. Say hello to God and everyone i know. You opened my heart and i will always remember you!!!

Its not him.. but looks like

fighting my battle

 im praying for a miracle today!!!!!

Ive been sleeping since six last night, woke up in the middle of the night looked at the last episode of Riget (the kingdom) fell asleep again, woke up, feeling nausea, anxiety and the feeling of pointlessness pile up.

I told the little dog yesterday to say hello to everybody i know up there, to give them a big kiss.

To much death right now..

never fall in love again..

soon my day dog comes, maybe for the very last time before the eternal sleep...
how can you say goodbye??? Or should i just see it as a normal day, and ill see you tomorrow? How do you handle death...  (Theres too much of handling it right now......)

I will show you my paintings from last night later...maybe...

curing death with death

i started my "brave week" with smoking very many cigarets (it will kill me)
off to work, just walking around in the building, locked myself in my private room, walked through the restaurant (my plan was to have lunch there, but i could not)
walked around town, to buy colors, planning an alternative career as an artist and painter.
thinking about my thoughts
feeling nausea (word?)
drinking 4 cups off coffee.
Painted two paintings
thinking off painting another one.(they are soo ugly, but im trying to not value them as good or bad)
still have not eaten lunch, dont feel like eating at all....
Arent you really really impressed...? Hahaha!!

Not thats there anything beautiful with smoking

death

he is dead
what happens when you die?
Passing to what?
Who decides when someone is dead?
What is the right thing to do when someone is dead?
I had a party when they were looking for his body................


I am praying for YOU!!!

holding on and out for a hero

i think all men are so delicious sometimes..
i know (yes it takes confidence to say...eeeh) i am a catch.. yes i know..i know...i know

Me in my back yard this morning

people think im beautiful and cute.
im funny
i have a "cool" job
im smart
i am what i am..what ever that is.

Many people think of me and think that my world is anything but boring. that im successful, i have people around me always, that i can just "pic any guy"
But NOOT!!!

here i am lonely on a friday night, going to bed, discussing with myself....

t 

tonight i tried to flirt.. but mg! i suck.. and no one (what i can see) is flirting with me...
sooo ... im thinking about calling my ex...
AND CLAMMER TO HIM

cant face this world alone

if you see me walking down the street

I love my friends and my therapist!
My friends cooked me dinner and helped me sew one of my new dresses.
Made me laugh. Made me cry. Reminded me that theres good people in the world.

Yesterday when i was at work meeting my colleges i got sad because i really like so many of them.. but i have a kind of an unusual ,rare job.. and the same with the people. Many outsiders dreams of what we do for a living and we are trying to get along with ourselves in this "chosen positions".. it results in a huge pressure on the single worker and that results in stress and a BIG awareness of yourself..self-centered...and stress!!

I also met my therapist yesterday. He is really involved in trying to help me get my self together and helping me laying my puzzle of life.. to understand myself. We talked about relationships, sexuality and dreams.. he makes me understand. And he has this great values, he reminds me whats right and whats wrong. (as in equality and emotions) .. i want to get back to this some other time. I really appreciate him!

finding every never ever land..

my day worked out ok anyway.. i had lunch with a beautiful friend who knows me...i love when people just known me so good and i dont have to act...

And i had a coffe with a posible employer for spring. april till fall. And i found a friend.. i just love those meetings when you can MEET another person and be really yourself and you really find a connection... talking about God and your dreams as a child until we were both in tears..



My stress from yesterday has been exhausting.. The result was.. No appetite until i was so hungry i over ate.. My body hurts from tension.. ive been drinking coffee all day and smoked like 20 cigarets... Feel really disgusted....tired and not be able to think so much.(self medication....??))




Today i cant feel the presence.. no love when i close my eyes, not connected to my fantasy that every thing is going to be alright, as if i forgot that little person inside me....

        I  J U S T  F E E L  E M P T Y !  R E F I L L  M E! G I V E  M E  M Y  H O P E  B A C K!

IF YOU DONT BELIVE IN FAIRIES THEY WILL DIE... 

CLAP YOUR HANDS AND CRY:

IIII BBBEEEELLIIIVVVVEEE

i dont feel so good

ive been sick in mind and body..

i have a really nasty cold..

im really trying to get back to my work, but its so hard being in the building, my heart is beating like a speaker in my chest, feel like im getting a heart attack, dizzyness and i cant keep myself from crying..

i was there three and a half hours last night... i was soooo tired and exhausted  i couldnt think. 

The result is a sleepless night and no appetite ... 

wake me up.....

cry baby.....lonely baby.....sorrow baby....tired..... help me!!!!