Dear Liza

Im going to the market to buy some apples
And bake me and my friends an apple pie
Life is full of surprises!


(By the way, my one true love: My day dog.. Has probably a brain tumor)

holding on and out for a hero

i think all men are so delicious sometimes..
i know (yes it takes confidence to say...eeeh) i am a catch.. yes i know..i know...i know

Me in my back yard this morning

people think im beautiful and cute.
im funny
i have a "cool" job
im smart
i am what i am..what ever that is.

Many people think of me and think that my world is anything but boring. that im successful, i have people around me always, that i can just "pic any guy"
But NOOT!!!

here i am lonely on a friday night, going to bed, discussing with myself....

t 

tonight i tried to flirt.. but mg! i suck.. and no one (what i can see) is flirting with me...
sooo ... im thinking about calling my ex...
AND CLAMMER TO HIM

cant face this world alone

Here i come again.. just when im about to get my life together

Im having a small party tomorrow... Jissess...Today i was running around buying stuff, getting flowers.. wonder if someone is allergic.. will this be enough.. wonder what to wear.. wonder if i can do this..what if i get tired.. or start crying.. wonder if people likes cherries.. AAAHHH!!!


My patterns is so clear.. all tryin to be perfect n all.... worrying, thinking about others.. 

My head is spinning and body is still a little bit sick.







Now my father and elder sister will come (i booked a table at a restaurant and checked the prices and menu, and thought about how we should walk the by the see to get there... can i just give it a break!!!)....oooooohhhh.... take a deap breath, dont try to save the,.. dont take care of them.. just relax.....

living THE dream

Im dreaming so much.. Last night i dreamt a love dream about my therapist... (!!!!!)
I felt disgusted all day. It was not a sexual dream but a love dream. But still..
I googled on it. And phew! Everything has got a name.. In swedish känslomässig överföring el motöverföring... In english maybe. Emotional transfer or countertransference. (Google again. translator..)
This is really normal ( Phew! again im NORMAL.. hehe?!). And when i think about it it makes sense , off course the body doesnt know that youre paying for this.. The body just meets a person who makes you understand yourself, feel better about yourself and softens your inside.
Some people really falls in love whit them or reacting with anger and hate..

Feels sad and comforting at the same time that you can read your thoughts and behaviors, Makes me feel small and biological. But its a real comfort to know that youre not alone. I see it like the thoughts i can read about is my illness.. and a strategy i have for comforting myself. (often this illness strategies makes you sicker in longterm)  And that i want to break free. Who am i when my whole personality can be read about in a selfhelp book?.. but.. Se it like a gift that youre getting the opportunity to really find out who you are, and to live the rest of your loong life with yourselves.

did i mention..

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!


i woke up by someone knocking on my window at 8.00, it was my neighbors, they had made a fantastic breakfast for us..!!!!!!


My heart aches for all lonely people. ILL BE YOUR FRIEND!! Getting so much love from others makes my heart spill over for all those who dont have friends like that.


I would be honoured to be your friend!

Three is the magic number...

if you see me walking down the street

I love my friends and my therapist!
My friends cooked me dinner and helped me sew one of my new dresses.
Made me laugh. Made me cry. Reminded me that theres good people in the world.

Yesterday when i was at work meeting my colleges i got sad because i really like so many of them.. but i have a kind of an unusual ,rare job.. and the same with the people. Many outsiders dreams of what we do for a living and we are trying to get along with ourselves in this "chosen positions".. it results in a huge pressure on the single worker and that results in stress and a BIG awareness of yourself..self-centered...and stress!!

I also met my therapist yesterday. He is really involved in trying to help me get my self together and helping me laying my puzzle of life.. to understand myself. We talked about relationships, sexuality and dreams.. he makes me understand. And he has this great values, he reminds me whats right and whats wrong. (as in equality and emotions) .. i want to get back to this some other time. I really appreciate him!

finding every never ever land..

my day worked out ok anyway.. i had lunch with a beautiful friend who knows me...i love when people just known me so good and i dont have to act...

And i had a coffe with a posible employer for spring. april till fall. And i found a friend.. i just love those meetings when you can MEET another person and be really yourself and you really find a connection... talking about God and your dreams as a child until we were both in tears..



My stress from yesterday has been exhausting.. The result was.. No appetite until i was so hungry i over ate.. My body hurts from tension.. ive been drinking coffee all day and smoked like 20 cigarets... Feel really disgusted....tired and not be able to think so much.(self medication....??))




Today i cant feel the presence.. no love when i close my eyes, not connected to my fantasy that every thing is going to be alright, as if i forgot that little person inside me....

        I  J U S T  F E E L  E M P T Y !  R E F I L L  M E! G I V E  M E  M Y  H O P E  B A C K!

IF YOU DONT BELIVE IN FAIRIES THEY WILL DIE... 

CLAP YOUR HANDS AND CRY:

IIII BBBEEEELLIIIVVVVEEE

i dont feel so good

ive been sick in mind and body..

i have a really nasty cold..

im really trying to get back to my work, but its so hard being in the building, my heart is beating like a speaker in my chest, feel like im getting a heart attack, dizzyness and i cant keep myself from crying..

i was there three and a half hours last night... i was soooo tired and exhausted  i couldnt think. 

The result is a sleepless night and no appetite ... 

save me from bad surprises

I just had a terrible nightmare.. i dreamt that my father was tricked into killing himself and make food out of his meat... like liver pate, kidney paste for sandwich, dorsal fillets and so on.... MY GOD!!!..and i was trying to figure out wether so bury this ..grocery.. or to go with his last wish.. to be eaten...
 My ex woke me up when i was crying and mumbled...




...yes he spent the night...



 Last night i wanted to surprise myself and watched Shortbus... i turned it off. It was to much for me right now.. already having a damaged sexuality.. 


My ex.. is so not right for me... i dont know what to do???!!!! I love him.. he has ben so close to my life for so many years.. he knows me so well. but we are not in love.............

HE did not really like my new dresses.....

beautiful dresses and coffee for elephants.

I feel lonely in my thoughts, busy in my body and..brrrrrrr......CREATIVE! i recognize my old spark coming back to me! Im thinking of new projects, things id like to know, how i can develop my work and so on. I get kind of dizzy from it all but i like like like it..





Last night i looked at movie water for elephants.. and felt nothing, i get so tired from all the given dramatic. And i get angry when i think about what it does to peoples idea of life...
The whole worlds teacher of life is movie, tv shows etc.. We think that if we meet someone and falls in love, if it does not fit the model of EVERY dramaturgy of romantic comedies, drama etc. we think that something is wrong. Life does not follow a normal dramaturgy. Every life has its one. YOU ARE SPECIAL. people dont go from sick to healthy, from depression to happiness, from life to death. It does not follow a straight line and is not black and white. 
Please surprise me!!




I went downtown today, walking around, drinking coffee and bought two new beautiful dresses, i used to never wear dresses before but nowadays i kind of feel soft and romantic. I ate lunch by my self on a cafe. thats a big step for me and my confidence..embarrassingly i want t be seen by other pepple like a person who is not alone...hmmm...



















And im longing sooo much for a good looking man who loves me who could be here all sunday making food for me in his underwear with a little beard stubble and messy hair..maybe he can sing something... or... just be quiet...or something..

Imagine me in these...

...meeting prince charming

                                                                                  

the old shoe on a sunday

Im really trying to keep this blog away from commercial pictures, thoughts and to not feel the pressure from """normal"""" society, but now i will publish some celeb pictures not to mock them. Just to show you my inspiration pictures when i feel my own nagging feeling of """""perfection"""". I just cant help feeling sometimes that i like myself more when im thin and fit. The immediate cure is to feel the love for the actual NORMAL body!!

sister mercy

My little sister is here.. we are going for a long walk and were talking about whats wrong with sweden when people  cant talk about life, earth, feelings and God without getting scared and angry..
Many people in sweden is lonely, depressed, suicidal.....

Sadness..

why oh why boy oh boy...

My automatic thoughts about life is now very limited.. Instead of the big things like earth, God, why and where.. im thinking..
men...
wonder if i do that to stop me from thinking??
theres ben a terrible misstake.. my co worker that i told you about... I thought. ok .. time for ME to make a choice and go for it! So i went kind of obviously flirting and writing. And he is so liking me to! But kind of not responding anyway. So i went further...
Then i met my friend yesterday she told me he has a wife with cancer!!!!