Pling!

I just realized something about myself.
Im putting down so much thought and love on people and missions that does not love me the same way back!
I compared my life to my friends yesterday, they do their laundry, go to work, cook good food for each other, sleep, clean their apartment, buying flowers to make their self happy. 
While i: Think of death, never cook good food just for me, clean when others is coming to visit, thinking about how to climb mountains in my career, how to be a great painter, my closest love relation is with my ex. and we dont love each other that way im spending my time trying to figure it all out and banging our relationship against the wall. (this sounds awful)The things i already have and people whom i already love and loves me back i take for granted, and always chasing something else, something more, never happy with what i got.....


LÄNGTANS TRÅDAR SNÄRJER OSS SOM VILL MER.....


The threads of longing ensnares us who want more...


when longing gets to strong we call it anxiety.

Brave, Danish and beautiful!

Brave things today!
 1. I was good and present at my meeting.
2. I spoke danish (!?!) haha! Takes confidence to even try!
3. I took a walk were i always used to go with my beautiful dog.

Good things:

..prince charming

..time..

Maybe this..

I bought 2 new dresses and one poncho as a surprise present for myself! (i was really surprised)
I trained yoga in my living room.





Tonight im going to see friends and tomorrow my best friend is coming to town!

You see? I can live... I just have to remember the beautiful struggle with this illness and with life! Even though the world lost two great souls this week IM STILL HERE.

 If you feel like sleeping and weeping, go to nature, take a walk in the forrest, listen to your best songs and try to relax your jaws. I promise it WILL help!!

the sun is rising...

time for a new day..! Life is so short and life so fragile. I want to be healthy, have energy and bla bla..
Today i have a busy day.. One meeting for future jobs, and one meeting at my old job. Time to handle the world and not to lock myself in. I told you before that this week my goal were to be brave. I felt like i didnt succeed instantly.. But then again.. What is more brave than facing death two times in one week?
Im gonna take care of my life today!!

rip

Rest in peace my beautiful little dog.. I love you so! I all ready miss you. Say hello to God and everyone i know. You opened my heart and i will always remember you!!!

Its not him.. but looks like

fighting my battle

 im praying for a miracle today!!!!!

Ive been sleeping since six last night, woke up in the middle of the night looked at the last episode of Riget (the kingdom) fell asleep again, woke up, feeling nausea, anxiety and the feeling of pointlessness pile up.

I told the little dog yesterday to say hello to everybody i know up there, to give them a big kiss.

To much death right now..

never fall in love again..

soon my day dog comes, maybe for the very last time before the eternal sleep...
how can you say goodbye??? Or should i just see it as a normal day, and ill see you tomorrow? How do you handle death...  (Theres too much of handling it right now......)

I will show you my paintings from last night later...maybe...

Believe in miracles see the signs!

Oh! THANK YOU!!!!!!


im sitting at home looking at my ugly paintings, no energy, feeling that the pointless state of mind is gathering like a dark cloud taking over me... feeling that today has ben a waste.
I so out for (another) smoke.
And just around the corner i see a light in a galley thats always closed. I look at the paintings, they are nice. And out comes a little old lady angel, with white emancipated 40ies hairdo, with a trench coat   and a red basque hat.
"are you looking at my paintings?"...
"yes... i woke up this morning thinking that i would become a painter artist, but now i dont know".
"off course you should!! Im going home now, but you are so welcome any day to visit me and we can talk and you can watch me work."

Just like that!!! Isnt life amazing sometimes!?

curing death with death

i started my "brave week" with smoking very many cigarets (it will kill me)
off to work, just walking around in the building, locked myself in my private room, walked through the restaurant (my plan was to have lunch there, but i could not)
walked around town, to buy colors, planning an alternative career as an artist and painter.
thinking about my thoughts
feeling nausea (word?)
drinking 4 cups off coffee.
Painted two paintings
thinking off painting another one.(they are soo ugly, but im trying to not value them as good or bad)
still have not eaten lunch, dont feel like eating at all....
Arent you really really impressed...? Hahaha!!

Not thats there anything beautiful with smoking

im thinking and thinking...

about everything and anything...

About having children, for the first time in my life i feel like having children... i always had a terrible frightening feeling when i thought about someone living in my stomach... eating, moving, living, depending on me... Maybe thats the big fright, could a baby trust me?? could i be there for my children.
But now i feel soft when i think about the little things...

About death... cant figure anything out there...

About what im gonna do with all the apple pie thats left...

About my challenge for this week, life is so short.. I want to be BRAVE! Im gonna try to do stuff that i dont really dare... for example sent emails to people i admire, meeting friends, booking meeting... etc. To let the world know WHAT   I   WANT!!!

death

he is dead
what happens when you die?
Passing to what?
Who decides when someone is dead?
What is the right thing to do when someone is dead?
I had a party when they were looking for his body................


I am praying for YOU!!!

The big threat - heaven or hell

wanna have good time..?call the PARTY machine!! HAha!!
I lasted all night long yesterday. Im surprised and happy about that! And i could relax and actually listen and talk to many of my friends!


Today im feeling kind of bruised but thats ok.. 


I wonder if everything im touching touch turns to ash and dies. Do i have a spell on me?
My day dog maybe dying soon
and i told you about this meeting i had about future job, we were supposed to work most parts of the year. He has past away!!!!!!
I talked to him on the phone just the other day, and now his gone......


I wish i could live forever. 

                                                             ......MELANCHOLY....




I watched a movie the other day. The kids are all right.. a good one. It SURPRISED me. 
Specially when im thinking really much right now about how our childhood really shapes us and thats were we early develop our life strategy= Our way of seeing problems and handling them. how we avoid fear and makes our self count. What the BIG threat is.
It takes very much of soul searching to find it.. But when it becomes clear to you, you will find that everything comes around just the way its supposed to. A big sigh of relief! 


Then maybe you have to change and thats really hard in another way.. But its you life. And this is my life...

Have a great sunday!